I LIVE (PART THREE) June of 2008 - March 2011
Before I start this next section of this autobiography, I want to take the time to express something that people have been aware of in terms of details about me, but I have not mentioned yet until now: the seven ex-girlfriends. As people are aware, I have had seven girls in my life that each, in one way or another, impacted my life with the majority of them being in Memphis (girls one through four) not really having any type of impact on my life and then, in return, did not matter that much. I apologize for me sounding like a bastard, but part of this autobiography is that I tell the truth and this is part of it.
Now, you are probably wondering what this has to do with my life, the subject of love. Well, to answer that, all I am going to say is that once seventh grade began, love was the theme of my life for the next two years. But, more on that later. Let’s get back to the story of my life.
Once summer break began for us, I began to become more and more quiet and felt more isolated then ever due to the death of my father. I know I did not care about him until after he died, but I was blessed to have a few good memories of him when he was sober that, once he died, became more and more vivid as the days went on. They were of my father with his vast collection of novels and his love for coffee. I will put it like this: as far back as I can remember, he had two good loves that did not breath: coffee and novels. I still remember the sight of him sitting in his private smoking room sitting on a rather uncomfortable purple recliner chair, his feet crossed with a cigarette in his hand, reading the novels of W.E.B. Griffith with a steamy cup of coffee in his hand.
Due to me being preferred over my brother in my dad’s eyes, he had the tendency to try to always get me to read no matter what. I still remember him coming home some nights when he used to work with a book under his arm, and giving it to me to read but, at that time, I despised books and I would discard it on one of the shelves in our old house. But that did not stop him. Another thing he would do is that whenever I was upset, he would make me a cup of coffee with the hope that it would calm down. It did. But it also lead to one of the most important characteristics about me that he would never live to see and one that is something of a trademark about me.
But back to the story.
While I was falling deep into my mind, I started to become more and more quiet as life ticked by on the clocks of the world. And my mother noticed this with concern. If there is one thing I have learned by this point in my life, it would have to be that a mother is always sad if one of her children is having a problem. Well, I was and my mother thought of one of the greatest remedies that she used on Evan to help him when we lived in Memphis. Due to summer break taking place, she would find me in my room with Fluffy on my lap and asked me to go back into her bedroom with her.
Now, I must stress this: my mother LOVES movies. Even more if they were made during the seventies till the late nineties. When we lived in Memphis, she would take Evan back into her room and introduce him to all of these films that had impacted her when she was growing up and through that expose, Evan started his love of films that would soon evolve into a love for Asian cinema. For me, it done nothing for the longest while. With her, I had seen so many films that I can only remember something of a handful of them.
Well, there was one film she would go on to show me that would impact my life in a tremendous way. Interview With The Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles is that film that, at that time in my life, spoke to me. I know it is clichéd to say so, but it is the truth. During that time, I felt isolated, along, and just different. Interview With The Vampire is, in reality, about people like that who find their own place in this world while coming to terms with who they are. That was the message I got from the film and I ended up applying it into my life in ways like me wearing all black even more, exploring my love for reading and writing, and having an interest in all things macabre. I know that this is rather odd, but that is what that film done to me.
Anyway, when we got all of my father’s $33,000 finally, we started off for finding a house that we can move into that could support us. I am not going to go into the rather dull details of us moving because there will be no point in the matter and nothing particularly life changing had happened during that summer that effected my life.
We did not move into the house all at once, but it took about three months due to us having to come up with the money to fix a few damages that had happened in the apartment (hole in a wall, a few scars here and there). Little word of advice: I never recommend living in an apartment. Why? Because you will have no creative control at all in the area. You can not get rid of the white washed walls, not allowed to hang pictures/ posters, and it was just dreadful, so the house we ended up getting was something of a complete breath of fresh air for us all.
Well, after what I call me being Born Into Darkness was completed (Basically me turning into what I am now), seventh grade began. At first, it was like most school beginnings, plain and nothing new happening. And for the first month and a half, it remained like that. Until, something I never expected had happened: I ended up making my first real friend. And how I ended up becoming friends with this person is something of a odd predicament, but it would end up impacting my life in a rather interesting way and, in a few facts to point out, would map the entire floor for the next two to three years of my life.
Aaron ‘Brad’ Rogers was the first person I will admit that I was friends with. But if one was to think about it, we became friends during the second nine weeks of school in art class. It was only him and I at a table due to all the others were filled so, naturally, to past the time we started talking. The only thing that shocked me was that I was not alone in terms of being different with the way I had an outlook on life, opinions about topics, and above all else, was not of the norm.
To be honest, it was quite refreshing to have someone that can be considered a friend. Even more when I would end up having him in my History and Science classes (and for a while my Literature, but more on that later), along with him living in the same area as me. The only thing I did not particularly care for was that he was a tad bit stubborn in some of his classes about his work and had to look onto my work with the hope I had it right. But, seeing as how friendship was my payment for helping him, I decided not to make a deal out of it and just allow him. Rather have a friend then loose one over pride.
For a while, with me having a true friend, things were going good. Until, something I never expected had happened to my young self that made the world both one of light and one of darkness. I feel in love with a girl that, at the time, was the most beautiful, wonderful, and yet complex girl I have ever meet. And, to be honest, me falling in love was by accident completely. Why you ask? Let me explain.
Originally I liked a girl that went by the name of Amanda ‘Mandy’ Lehrmann for reason I sadly do not remember now. But, it was through me trying to get to know her did I learn about Kyra Edwards: the girl that would set the stage for my life.
My question for you all is: have any of you ever fallen in love before? Ever feel heed over heels for someone you know nothing about, yet felt that you could understand them? Just to the point that on their command you would massacre anyone for them? That was how I felt when I first saw Kyra. It had to be magic, but like a spell that was not taught properly, I did make one mega mistake when I feel for her: I did not try to be her friend at first.
At the time, a certain vampire novel series called ‘The Twilight Saga’ was rather huge at the time and it seemed that almost every girl in the world was captivated in this poorly written romance series that has, as of now, disgraced vampires. But, I was a young man that had raging hormones and I wanted her to like me. So, what I ended up doing was reading the books and tried to be like the male characters in the tale for I figured that if I acted more dark and mysterious then how I already am, it would work towards my benefit. Yeah, you can add that to a list of complete epic fails.
I tried for months to gain her love and interest. I did make friends with some of her (one of these friends and one that would, in some ways, help me was named Joseph ‘Joey’ Lawrence), but that done nothing for me. That was until had to go into my new math class (I will get to why that had happened soon. Do not worry) because in Science we were dissecting frogs and she did not want to. Strange how I remember details like that when they seem so unimportant. Anyway, when she was sitting at the cluster of desks that I was at, I remember her asking if we knew anything important that had happened on December 9. Well, long story short, due to her writing a story that involved that date, I ended up talking to her about writing stories which lead me to give her one of my earlier (and now, one of my worst) short stories I had written: Night Of The Reaper. I still remember her reaction to the tale. Basically during our break period which lasted twenty minutes in middle school, she went to where I was sitting at, asking me if the story was real or not. Personally, I was surprised that she asked me that because I was not really expecting to hear her response (though I do remember seeing her walking kind of quickly down a hallway, her nose in the pages, reading one then handing it to a friend that was walking behind her), but I was content that she was interested nonetheless. If I had to pick a certain time in my life that would of started the history she and I share, that would have been the first true start.
Now, I need to go back and explain something that, in a lot of ways, impacted me that most.
As it is mostly well documented, I have not always been the most well liked kid at school no matter where I went, and for some obvious reasons. But, over the course of time in seventh grade, three people decided to take things a little too far in my opinion. Basically, three kids decided to go around and started to tell people that I was plotting to kill people, drink their blood, then kill myself so I could be with my father. Okay, let me explain something: I might have a strong dislike towards a good majority of people at school due to them acting like a complete army of idiots, but very seldom do I want to actually play God and end their lives. Second, I will admit that I use to freak some kids out by tasting my own blood, but who has not done that? If you say that you have never, when you have gotten cut, tasted the red blood that came out, then you are lying. Everyone has, but I take it that due to me being me, people took it beyond the wrong way. And for the part of my father. I will admit that I was getting over his death, but I had no desire to kill myself. I had some friends, a girl I liked, life was going good for me.
Anyway, through the usual channels, one thing led to another and a consoler at school by the name of Mrs. Burke ended up thinking that these rumors were true and did not decide to take the initiative to check and make sure that some idiotic kids did not make them up. So, on March 10th, I was called up to the front office to see two police men, Dr. Davis, and Mr. Langley in an office waiting for me. They told me what had happened (them hearing the rumors), and that the school decided to call law enforcement to have me be put under arrest under the suspension of plotting murder and that I was going to be sent to a hospital to get evaluated to see if I really was like this. If I was, then it was to be a mental hospital that I was to go to.
You want to know what pisses me off the most about all of that? No one even asked me if this was true or not. Not the fact that kids were spreading rumors, but because I did not have any input on this at all. So, taking me, they took me to their cruiser were, right in front, I saw my mother’s car with Evan sitting in the passenger seat, both looking beyond scared. From what I learned, they called Evan out of class and called mom to tell them that a crisis was going on and they needed them both there immediately. Okay, now here is the thing: mom demanded that she spoke to me first to make sure that there was no mix up or anything like that at all. But the school denied her of that privilege due to the ‘extreme nature of the crisis’. Let’s just say that it was not pretty.
Once we got to the hospital and for some reason they had to do blood work on me (I do not know nor remember why) and this therapist came in to see me. Let’s just say that after about ten minutes of talking with me, it was announced that I was not insane or murderous, but kids are just (please excuse my language) little pieces of shit that are no good for anyone. But, due to the school wanting to evaluate some suspects who started this rumor, they wanted me to take a ten day absence from school until such a time that I could return (on March 21st).
Now, back to the main story.
Before school ended, I did have a chance opportunity to actually talk to her. Okay, this is what happened: it was the penultimate day of school. I have been bottling up the courage to talk to her, and thinking that this would be my last chance, I decided that I might as well give it a chance. So, in a way, I kind of followed her home until I decided to start talking to her, asking her where she had came from a year prior to that year. After that, I think I had the most enjoyable talk with anyone I had that entire year. I do not know why, I just had a wonderful time. But, like all things, soon it ended and she went into her home and I walked to mine.
As the end of seventh grade year came to a quick close, I still had some friends and I still had a love for Kyra. I did tell Brad, only to find out that he also had feelings for her as well. In my mind, this created one of the greatest problems I had at that time. I wanted this one girl, my closes male friend wanted the same girl, and I was curious as to the outcome of us wanting the same person. Well, that would of have to wait because during the summer, I ended up staying locked up in my house due to the heat.
A lot can happen to a person during two months of separation from society of other people. You start to learn about yourself, you start to learn the value of human companions, and you start a project that will end up lasting the next few years of your life. As a lot of people are aware, it has always been a dream of mine to get a book published and made and the name of that book is called The Vincent Saga: The Origin Of Vincent. Now, ever sense some people have read part of it, I have been asked time and time again about the origins of this story. Well, due to the writing process began during the summer, I might as well start telling this story.
As I have stated earlier, seventh grade was something of a monumental year for me due to me starting to make up something of a group of friends for once. Well, me being bored at home and that I could not see them, I decided that it would be fun to create alter egos of my friends and start writing stories about these bizarre adventures we would have. One of them was of an organization that would take down gangs that had taken over their town. Due to what was on the news at the time involving teen violence, I decided to expand on that idea and to have it grow to a tremendous amount. What resulted was the last ten days of summer break being filled with me writing the first ten chapters of The Origin Of Vincent.
I will admit that it felt great to write these characters, learn about their past, and to help spread the word of their likeness. But, sadly, I would have to put on hold the tales of Vincent and his friends due to eighth grade starting.
I will say that I was a little bit anxious to have this year began due to only having one thing on my mind: win the heart of Kyra. I will say that I was a bit cocky on my approach for trying to win her, but I had no real plan in mind, so I ended up just sitting back in my seat on the bus while waiting for her. My reaction to when I first saw her that first day of school was shocking. I do not know why, but I felt my heart slam in my chest to a complete stop when she walked on. What can you say? I was a cupid bitch slapped fool.
But there was something not quite right with her for about that first week. I know now that I can be creepy due to my presence that I have acquired over the years along with my voice, but Kyra just kept on being cautious around me to a point that she started taking completely different routes to anywhere that we had to go together (aka: our first two periods of the first nine weeks of school) and even when going home she took a different route. I will admit that I was offended and yet worried, me wondering what it was that I had done wrong. But I did notice one thing about all of this: Brad was with her a whole lot.
The first week went by with me trying to control my heart around her and to figure out what I done wrong to her. So, I done the first thing that came to my mind and started going to her bus stop in the mornings and getting off at the one she got off at after school. I thought that this would help. Yeah, it did not. After a few days of me doing this, she started taking different ways to get to school that added to my annoyance. But, my heart wanted her and I would get my chance to hang-out with her after school.
It was about some time after she was used to me being around and we decided to spend about two hours just walking around and talking. For me, I loved that time because I was able to hang out with a real person and the fact that I liked her made things even better for me. Did I mention that I was a cupid bitch slapped person at the time?
Okay, let me pause the story to add some commentary on what I have done so far. As of now, I am ashamed at how I acted back then. I know that I was being a complete stalker towards her and I know that she was beyond uncomfortable with my presence. But that is the thing about love: it makes you do things that you would normally never do even if they are beyond idiotic. Now, do I wish I could handle this situation better? Yes. But, I can’t so all I can do is write out what I done.
Well, time went on and in my mind I was thinking that we were starting to become good friends due to how I thought we were acting like friends. In Kyra's mind, it would be later that I learned about the fact that she did, in fact, have something of a crush on me. Now, personally I wish that she would of acted on those feelings because, hey, I was a single, lonely man and I wanted a girlfriend! Regardless of what I wanted, fate would have something else in mind. Well, all of that changed one morning when I heard something that I doubt I was suppose to hear.
That she was dating someone. Let me tell you something about guys: when they fall in love with a girl then learn that that girl is dating someone, the guy is going to feel hurt because they built up this entire mental image in their mind of what it would be like to be with that girl. But, at times, the idea of that type of future becomes so vivid that it clouds the mind of the person in love that they start to loose focus on reality.
The next few days after I learned that news was not the most pleasant. I started wondering all sorts of questions ranging from what I done wrong to what can I do to make her like me. Hell, it went to such an extent that I ended up writing on the internet this long letter that basically was me ranting about how I felt (this letter has, as of now, been destroyed and for good). Well, Kyra read it and she was not the most pleased.
After me trying to redeem myself, things went from okay to bad. Over the next few months until some time in November, there was this rather sick tension in the air as I tried to be a friend towards someone I was overdoing it with. Then, on November third, due to me being stalker like towards her, we stopped being friends and I fucked up big time.
But, like most guys, I blamed everything on her and not on me. Through me blaming her, I ended up making myself sick. It was not fun at all, and just reminded me of how much of a fool I was for being like that. For two months I went from having terrible stomach pains, having beyond high paranoia, to even vomiting nonstop at times. When the Rock band Nazareth created the song ‘Love Hurts’, they were not lying.
Now, I need to go back a bit to August to tell some things about what I got Kyra to do. Now, this is not really THAT important, but for how me and Kyra became friends again, it kind of is. Okay, back in August I ended up creating a blog that I used to document my life on and to post any stories I wrote along with reviews. Well, to get to know Kyra better, I had her form a blog that I used to learn about her. When I went through my depression (if you want to even call it that), I ended up making some friends with some people on the internet and found myself being a little bitch by telling them about what was going on. Now, this person known as Heaven And Hell (real name, I do not remember) went and ended up spamming her blog to such an obnoxious point that even I knew that he was filled with shit.
After Kyra wrote this GIANT post on her blog telling him to back the fuck off, she ended up reveling that, in relation to me acting like a total asshole, that time has allowed her to forgive me and that we could try for the second time to be friends, but not have me being an annoying little pest.
I originally got Heaven And Hell to not only Troll Kyra, but also to try and get her to forgive me. So, he kind of done what I wanted him to do, but not at all how I wanted it all to play out. For that entire episode, Kyra, I do beyond apologize and if you are pissed at me for doing that, then I apologize.
But, let’s now get back to the story.
Okay, now we are in January and things are going beyond fine for me, Kyra, and Brad. Yeah, I have not really touched base on Brad at all, have I? Well, that was foolish of me. Let me state of few things about his involvement in all of the first five months of eighth grade. Well, basically his role was being Kyra’s best guy friend. In that sense, he basically done anything that she asked him to do, befriended the same people, etc. So, when Kyra first started hating me, he done the same. Remember when I told you that love changes a person? Yeah, I was not kidding. So, due to his love for her, when she and I became friends again, he decided to befriend me again and it all starts over, but this time, our friendship being real as I tried to get onto a more personal level with these two people.
Well, as January started to progress, I did notice some different things about Kyra. The first was her new interest into Christianity. This took me as a surprise because, back when we tried to be friends, she was against the idea of religion. So, when she came out as being a devote Christian (I learned when I saw a copy of Left Behind in her book-bag when we were walking home (I was not stalking her belongings! I just happen to notice it due to her book-bag being open.)), she decided that it would be best for me to start going to church with her family, thinking that what I needed was spiritual guidance in my life.
Okay, during this time I still had romantic feelings for Kyra and I will admit that I was willing to do anything to spend time with her. So, I figured that I have nothing to loose by going every Sunday to church with her, so I went. At first, I felt BEYOND out of place because, well, you already have a mental image of what I look like. But, for a while, I was thinking about being a Christian again due to the fact that, at the time, some of what the main preacher said was making sense to me. But, much later on, me thinking about it, it was not that what he said made sense as much as what he said was basic human ideas and thoughts that we all had. But, this is not about religion (I will get to that later on). This is about me, Kyra, and Brad. So, let’s get back to that.
As time was going on, I realized that I was in need of creating a profile on the website known as Facebook to help me with Kyra. Because, as how I looked, everyone in the entire world has a Facebook profile and as such, it would be easy for me to befriend Kyra, start talking to her, and then over time, try to win her heart. So, one day, I went and created my profile with the first three people I added being my brother, Brad, and Kyra. While the time went on, I started adding more and more people, until one very special person added me, and I did not even know at the time that this girl would end up saving my life. Actually, I was not aware that I even knew she lived here for a while.
Jenna Fullmer is, without a doubt, one of the closest friends I have in this entire world. Yeah, that is a good way to start this off. But, how we became friends was due to me being selfish in my motives. Originally, I befriended Jenna because she has a strong connection with Kyra and, as I figured, if I were to learn more about Kyra through her, I would be well off. But what I got, other then a complete slew of knowledge about Kyra, was someone I would end up trusting with all of my friends.
She is something special, and one of the few people I wish to God still lived here. But when she did, I never even knew she existed, so maybe her moving was the best for me in that sense. But, I still wish I could see her. While she was becoming a great to perfect friend of mine, it would be a while before I could, at all, have her be a major character in my life. So, more on that later.
Time went on for me and Kyra, and all through out February, we hanged out and were good friends. It was around this month that I ended up introducing Kyra to something that would, well in my life at least, be of some importance. During that time of my life, I was beyond addicted to a film called Repo! The Genetic Opera. To put it in the best of terms, that movie changed my life completely. I never learned why, but it just spoke to me and, after allowing both Kyra and Brad to borrow the film, it changed a few things in the sense that I finally got them to like something that I liked. For some reason, that made me have a bit of pride in myself due to me having that much on an influence of the lives of people. But little did I know, that that film would be one of the few happy things to happen for Kyra at that time in her life.
Before I explain what that is, I want to make one thing clear: while I did say that this entire autobiography would be unedited and would tell the whole truth, I have been forbidden by Kyra Edwards to reveal that event of what had happened to her that changed, well, everything. All I will say about what had happened to her that made something as little as Repo! seem like that last bit of happiness, was really terrible and mind shattering. For the pain she suffered, I can not imagine along with the isolation.
On the day after that event, she ended up telling me over Facebook, and I still remember that the very words I said to her about that was me confessing my love to her. The reason why I done that was, not only due to it being in the heat of the moments, but also because I could not believe that she trusted me that much as to tell me something that secretive. I just felt touched and love for her because, along with what I have said, I wanted to help her through this. But, while I felt all loved and sorrow, I also developed a hatred towards the person who was also involved in that scandal. I can not say why, but I think that was the first time I ever really hated someone.
Along with all of that happening, I started to change from being a friend, to someone who would stalk Kyra around. Not like what I had done earlier, but in the sense that I was worried about her and I wanted to make sure that at all hours of the day, she would be alright. Hey, I cared about her and I loved her. What the hell was I suppose to do when I learned about her great tragedy? Well, Kyra hated that part of me. She hated the fact that I was freaking out over something like that, and looking back on it, she had every right to. But, this was different then the last time she hated me for doing something. Now her friends in Warner Robins were starting to despise me for this also. But none so much as the hatred that Brad had for me about this.
During the entire month of March, once Brad learned that Kyra trusted me with something and not him, he started to get jealous to such a point that he would start to pick fights with me almost everywhere and, mostly, on Facebook. During the Spring break my school had, Kyra had to leave Georgia for a while due to loosing someone close to her and Brad decided to take this time to try and bring me down so that I could not be with Kyra. I will admit this: for being a year and a half younger then me, he knows how to fight.
And fight we did for so long that week. It seemed like almost everyday he and I would get into fights over the most stupid of shit that, it was all pointless. Plus, to add to my frustration that he was trying to win Kyra over, I was dealing with a serious problem at home. A few weeks before all of this had happened, we got a call from Social Services stating that they had to inspect the house due to complaints that me and Evan were being raised in an unfit and not safe house. This, if you would not have guessed, drove my mother insane to no end. But the main question was: who called social services? Well, my family had a guess and, at the time, it seemed the most plausible.
Due to my mother’s doctor living in Memphis, she twice a year takes a trip to Memphis to see her doctor so that she can stay healthy. When she goes, she usually carries Evan along with her due to Evan having a knowledge of my mother’s health and finance records. Well, due to my mother never allowing me to have people over, I got fed up with that so I decided that, for once, I was going to have someone over. And that person ended up being: Brad.
Well, while we had a suspect as to who was to blame, we just wanted to get through this. I made a terrible mistake by allowing someone into my house, and that was the price I was going to pay for it. For that entire Spring Break, I had to deal with the government trying to take me away while dealing with one of my friends being one of the most intolerable of people in this world. Once the drama with the social workers was done with, I started to worry about what to do with Brad and that entire problem.
Once Spring Break ended, I learned over the course of two moths what to do, and I only had to do the last thing which, at that time, was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do in my life to that point. The first was Brad deleting me off of his Facebook account due to him and I getting into so many arguments. I was devastate by this. I wish I could of talked to him at the time to tell him not to do that, but he did and there is no going back as of now. But, soon I had another issue to worry about: me and Kyra.
When she got back from Colorado during that Spring Break, she acted like a completely different person. She was not the Kyra I originally loved. This new Kyra was, in the most blunt of ways, a total bitch and a half towards me and, I just did not know what I done wrong. So, me being the dunderhead that I was, I decided to try and find out. As I continued to look for the reasoning behind her starting to hate me, I started to change in a lot of ways that I never expected.
The first thing that changed about me was me being beyond quiet. Well, more quiet then normal. I do not know why that mechanism had taken over me at that moment of time, but it did. The second was me feeling more and more depressed. Now, this was due to something I started to notice right off the bat: Kyra was spending a whole lot more time with Brad then normal. I know that they are friends and all, but that just effected me to no end in the sense that I was becoming a tad bit offended due to me thinking that she was mine.
Over the course of those two months, I found myself becoming sick again as my body started thinking that I was to blame for her avoiding me and, in the most simple of ways, treating me like shit by avoiding me, telling people that I was stalking her, and above all else, being a complete pest. But, along with the two things mentioned above, another thing had happened: my addiction to coffee grew more severe. Before all of this had happened, I was drinking about six cups a day. Now, by the end of May of 2010, I was drinking about sixty a day.
But the one thing that made it all spike was when I done something that, at the time, was needed. After Kyra revealed that she was dating Brad, something she said she was not going to do until she was sixteen, I decided that I had had it with her and that I could not, at all, deal with her anymore. So, beyond pissed off and my jealousy turning into pure hatred, I deleted her off of Facebook so I would never had to deal with her again.
At first, I thought that that was going to help me in the long run due to me wanting to get over Kyra and forget all about her. At first, for about a few days, it did. Then, it all went to hell and forever down that road as I started to hate her for her driving me into the state I was in. I was never suicidal at all in my life. But, at that moment in time, you could say that I was due to my thoughts and me wanting to end the pain. So, to add on to the coffee drinking, I ended up bloating up to two hundred and sixty pounds, then started starving myself, and do not get me started on the suicide attempts.
What is so sad is that I would of almost been successful with offing myself, if it would not have been for two very important people that would, over the course of the next year, have a giant impact on my life. The first was Jenna.
As I might have stated earlier, Jenna Fullmer is a beyond dear friend of Kyra’s so, for this depression, I ended up turning to her for assistance in order to help me. I still remember some nights she would talk to me about what was going on and try to calm me down over what was happening. Then you have the emails she sent me that did help in the long run. Jenna showed me that she was the real deal in terms of being a great friend, and to this day she still proves to be.
While Jenna is one of the main factors in helping me (and would play something of a larger role in the year to come), there was one person who ended up being a beyond close friend to me. His name is Justin Stokes.
Let me first say that if you were to imagine a popular Russian version of me, you would get Justin. But the reason him and I became friends was due to both of us were dealing with the exact same problem: we were both heart broken over a girl. His was a rather beautiful Indian girl who, due to me not having her permission, I can not state her name. But, wow. He was in love with her to no end. And, like what numerous people would end up doing, he decided to reconcile in me all of his thoughts and feelings about this. And what I ended up doing was the same thing. Overtime, through long nights of talking to him, I ended up finding in him a rather close friend.
One of the things that confirmed to me that Justin was a friend was when he would help me with trying to get Kyra back. Basically, I would spend nights at my computer, typing away these long letters that were my own hope for winning her back. I would send them to Justin, and he would go all Roger Ebert on them to see if they were good enough. This went on for weeks until Kyra just stopped returning my messages. You can kind of say that I milked that cow a little too much. But the point of this is that, through me having Justin read my messages, I personally felt something of a bond between him and I that was a result of friends helping one another.
Most of that summer was spent with me talking to Jenna and Justin, trying to help me out with Kyra and, at the same time, stop me from killing myself. When school started again, I will admit that I was terrified to see Kyra and Brad again because of last year. But, when you have something of a job to do, you just have to grow a pair of balls and deal with it.
With me being in high school for the first time, I started to realize that I had severely underestimated the magnitude of this place. Even more when I came into contact with one teacher who would end up doing something that no other teacher had ever done: help me with my voice and half way through the year would help me when I face two major blows against me. I will say that I have never in my life come across a teacher that is as fun, crazy, and psychotic as Mr. Keith Tiller. Now, as I have said, he will be an important player later on in this school year, but at the moment he was the main comic relieve for this play called my life.
School, I will admit, was pretty lonely for the most part at the beginning. Now, this was mostly due to the hell that was caused between me, Kyra, and Brad was still beyond present in the air and the atmosphere among people that I knew that knew about all of this. So, for me, I decided that it would be the best to stay inside of the main media center so that I would not have to deal with the sight of people having conversations and I would not have to be jealous over people who were fortunate enough to have friends that would be willing to take the time in their lives to be with them.
Believe me when I say this: one of the worst pains one can feel is the feeling of isolation and solitude while feeling excluded from human society.
Now, while I was off having what I call my Romeo Montague stage of life, three very important girls entered my life. One that would serve only as a minor character at first. Another that would be one of the key players for this entire year and one that, even till today, I still owe a lot to. The last one would set the stage for the second half of the school year.
The first girl’s name is Kelsey Dozier. I will admit that how I became acquainted with her was, shall we say, rather odd. Mostly it involved her wearing her, at the time, ROTC uniform and poking me in the sides while I was at my locker, getting my coffee for lunch. At first, I was just shocked that this girl I did not know was poking me in the side and, I will admit, was kind of ticklish and I was confused. Until I decided to tlak to her on Facebook.
After talking to her, she ended up being rather cool and it did help me get over my depression over Kyra a bit, but at the time she was close friends with her and I hated anything that dealt with Kyra. This ended up being the nail in the coffin of Kelsey’s and mine’s first friendship. I still remember that it was on a night of some dance and Kelsey was talking to me on Facebook. One thing that I was in, during that day, was a hieight of emotion due to Kyra, and I ended up saying some of the most disgusting, disturbing, and completely morbid things I have ever said. Well, this result in me and Kyra not only hating each other more (from what my understanding is, she read what I wrote), but it also drove Kelsey to not wanting to be friends with me anymore. Now this was due to her being scared of me because, well, I am the kind of person whose appearance says that I might go and kill people. So, in that respect, I understood while she was scared of me, but this mostly caused me to be mad at myself. During some of the times she and I talked, she would tell me some rather secret things about her and that, like with Justin, built that trust that I thought would mean that we are friends. But, due to my hatred and asshole nature, that ruined it all. What is even more sad was that before I could even apologize for what I had said, she disappeared for about five to six months. That was something like a complete sword through my heart. You could say that, at the time, I might have had some VERY minor feelings for her, and then those were gone.
The third girl (due to a LOT of reasons, I am skipping number two till the end) was named Keily Hudson. I will say that I originally befriend Keily because, well, I thought she was Kelsey. Hey, I did not know Kelsey’s last name and I thought that the names were a too similar, so that is why I originally added her as a friend. Well, as time would go and be, I would not end up talking to her until a month had passed and one day when I was bored and needed someone to talk to. I will say that we did hit it off with us talking to one another and, well, it was enjoyable. Even a little scary due to how much she and I had in common in terms of interest and ideas. But, to talk to someone who was not an idiot at school, it was enjoyable.
For about a few months until December, I was in love. It is not everyday you find a girl that, not only was cute, but had a very good head on her shoulders. Then, the second blow unto me.
At the time, Keily was dating someone by the name of Austin Anderson and she was having, shall we say, very mixed to worried thoughts about him. So, what she decided to do was council in me all of her worries and basically ask me for advice. I told her that if she was so worried about this, then it would help to talk to him about these paranoid thoughts with the hope that they would all be sorted out. Well, let’s say that there is a way to misinterpret something that someone says, and then there is a way to completely bastardize what someone says. She went for beyond bastardize what I said.
In her mind, what she thought by talking to Austin about what was wrong was, in fact, me trying to make her like me over him. That was not it at all. But, she screwed up what I said beyond reorganization and there was nothing anyone can do about it. I tried to help her see my way, but it was inevitable of what to do. So, that is another friend I lost. And when all of this happened, it ended up happening during one of the worst times of my life (that I will get to later). But little did I know that she will soon make an appearance in act two of this school year.
Now for the second girl and the one that will play one of the most vital roles of this school year. How I started talking to the girl known as Tiffany Taylor has to be one of the most bizarre ways I have ever had any girl start talking to me. The reason she originally started talking to me was because she was madly in love with a friend of mine named Tyler Wright and wanted my help to get him to like her. Now, I am one of those people that has the tragic flaw of always helping beautiful girls with any problems they had, so naturally, I was able to help her win the man she loved.
Due to my services with her, she started talking to me more and more until we became something of friends, but still in the gray area of kind of knowing each other. But for that first half of the school year, that was the only time I would really know her.
Not for the tragedy that made what had happened between me and Keily even more worse.
The time is Thanksgiving Break. The day right before Thanksgiving, my mother comes into my room in worry, shock, and tears. She wakes me up to have me check something on her left breast. I will say this: waking up to your mother having a lump on her breast is not the most lovely of ways to wake up. Well, after that little episode, we decided to have a doctor check on mom to see what was wrong and all we were able to get out of him is that the lump had to be removed quickly.
Flash forward to December. On the 21st of that month, we took her to the emergency room to have the lump removed. In the end, it was not cancerous (it was a hardened piece of fat that was on her left breast), but there was something wrong. The doctors performed some blood work to see if anything was wrong, and then we got some of the most life chattering news ever. On December 25th, Christmas Day, two things happened to me. The first was Keily officially ending all ties with me. The second was that my mother was officially diagnosed with cancer.
Now, there are thousands of books that describe how bad a Christmas can be. With this Christmas, I would say that it fits in the middle of all those books in terms of being bad. I still remember the shock that was painted on everyone’s face, the pure sorrow. I will say this about the news: you never know how much someone means to you once they are effected by something that will, in the end, destroy them.
Well, once school started back up, I was a little bit over the shock of the events of December, but not quite. There were a few people I did turn to for support, and one of them was Mr. Tiller. I never knew why I turned to him for support over something like this (after the event’s of seventh grade, I developed something of a complete paranoia of teachers), but something told me that it would be best to put my trust into him. And that is what I done. He did talk to me a bit about what was happening, and for helping me a bit, I am thankful.
But there were some other people that, if I should say so myself, helped me out the most.
First was Alex Beard. For those of you who do not know, he is basically one of the best guitar players I have ever heard that goes to my high school, plus he is one person that I would trust with some of my secrets. Another was Cathy Sordillo. Actually, how I became acquainted with her is, rather odd to say the least.
Okay, flash back to Middle School. I was in a, shall we say, terrible production of Suessical Jr. All I will say about that experience: I regret it for the most part. Except for me being acquainted with this parent. Long story short, she would drive me home some days if the weather was bad enough and she was the first parent to take an interest in what was going on in concern with my mother back then. Her concern lasts till today and I am forever grateful that she has taken the responsibility to be kept updated on whatever happens.
The next few people who I will not go into due to them, while being very close friends, all have roughly the exact same back-story of being friends with me and for knowing about my mother and her fight of cancer. Taylor Faulkner and Erin Byington have to be two of the best girls one can be friends with. They both talked to me and helped me out in the way that only true friends can. If it was not for them talking to me, I do not know what would of happened to me.
Now, before I continue on with the friends that helped me, two VERY important deserve to be mentioned: Logan Bombard and Amanda Bernamonti.
Okay, Logan Bombard. How he and I became friends is something that I never expected. Back in October, my brother was working on this failed attempt of a film and needed me to talk to the person who was suppose to be the music supervisor for this production due to me providing some of the back scores. After talking to Logan and realizing that we had a lot in common, I think it goes without saying that he became one of the closes friends I have. If it was not for him helping me with the events with mom, I do not know what I would do.
The last person to mention before I get down to the two people that would end up shaping the entirety of next year is girl I never meet before, but I have over Facebook named Amanda Burnamonti. Originally, I became friends with her through Jenna one night when Amanda got on Jenna’s account and spoke to me for about a few minutes. Already interested, I decided to add her on here and I have not regretted that one bit. She has also been a great help towards me and I am thankful for her.
Now the two people that live here that ended up making the most difference in my Freshman year.
The first is Paul Sumlin. We became friends through Facebook after I learnt his name at school. The reason why I added him was due him seeming like something of a cool dude and, I figured, what is the worse that can happen? What I got was one of the most loyal people I have ever meet in my life. Believe me: if you need someone who will listen to you, and will come to you with respect, be friends with Paul. He is easily the true definition of a friend.
The last person, and the one that made the most of a difference in this entire stage play call Freshman year is a certain girl by the name of Tiffany Taylor. Now, when she starts making a difference was when she and her boyfriend Tyler Wright decided to break up and they both came to me for counseling. With Tyler, he was able to quickly recover due to his new found love in a girl named Hannah Hill. But with Tiffany, she took this the hardest.
Due to her being in the same high school as I am in, I am not going to go down into details as to all of the reasons why she came to me for help (Yeah, I do not want to put down anything that might bring shame and embarrassment unto her), but I will say that she found a way to get by all of her problems by doing something that would have an impact on me: help me with my hatred for Kyra and Brad.
The time when me and Tiffany became friends was during the final stages of my depression. I had hit two hundred and sixty pounds, having numerous back and joint problems, and I just had a consuming hatred for so many people it was unreal. Around the time of my sixteenth birthday, both she and I agreed that I would have to start making changes in my life right now. This is how I see it: once you turn sixteen, you enter the most important three hundred sixty five days of your life. Everything you do during that time will impact you later on. So, with the help of Tiffany (and a long list of about twenty other people), I decided on day to do something that did change so much: I sent out three letters of redemption to three people.
First one was for Kyra. By this point, I had only heard bits and pieces of what has happened to her and for the most part, at the time, I was beyond joyful for all of the hell she had suffered. In my mind, I thought it was about time that she got what she deserved for putting me in my depression, breaking my heart, and choosing my best friend over me (remember: I was still putting all of my blame on her). So, in that respect, I was terrified of sending her the note due to me not knowing her reaction. About a few days later, I got a response that said something I did not expect.
I expected her to say that I could go fuck myself and that she did not want me in her life anymore. Instead, she said that it would take a while, but we can try to have the friendship we once had. For me, that was good enough.
Second was for Brad. At this point in our lives, Brad decided to go with his Christian name of Aaron. The reason why is due to Kyra liking his real name and as such, he decided to make her happy by changing back to his Christian name. His I was not as scared of sending, but I still had little hope that it would work. So, I waited a week or so for his reply which was not as enthusiastic as I would of hoped, but I figure that that would surely change. Then again, I am something of a loveable guy myself.
So, that trial of hateocracy was done and over with. Time to move to the third person I sent a message of redemption to. If you have not guessed who the third person is, you must not have paid attention all that well during this.
Third was for Keily. Now, let me explain why I sent her this note: I felt that I did not get a fair chance of being her friend due to how she mistook something I said so drastically. So, I felt bad and decided that I can try to redeem myself. But, I never got a reply and, for a while, I decided that it would be her loss forever.
Now, as I was sitting on my computer and on Facebook, I went through the lovely list of people that Facebook thought I knew. There was one name that stopped my heart completely: Kelsey Dozier. There are a few things I regret with all of my heart and one of them was me showing my dark side to Kelsey. I know that sounds wrong, but be mature about this. I know that I showed her a side of me that was consumed by pure hatred and a lust for the blood of some friends of hers, and I was beyond apologetic about that. So, me thinking about it, I decided to send her a letter of redemption in order to try to be friends with her.
To my shock, she was the first person to accept my apology and to be friends with me again. I do not know if she is aware of how much that meant to me, but it did. Even more when she came back to School around some time during April. But, more on that later.
From January through February, it was a glorious time. I was starting to get a massive army of friends, I was starting to enjoy life, hell, I was even staying in school now and not being completely anti-social. Other then the problems with my mother and her cancer, I did not have a care in the world. During this time, I ended up becoming friends with one person who would end up being another one of my closes friends: Amanda Farris.
I met Amanda when I had my schedule changed and had her for fifth period Civics. Now, this class would be something of a stage for me for two reasons. First it was due to me getting to know Amanda. The second would be due to Aaron had that class with me. Okay, my first reaction was: Ah, HELL NO! Hey, this was before I sent out the redemption letters. But, through that class, I ended up getting use to Aaron and that kind of eased the tension that was between him and I.
But I am getting off topic. This is about Amanda. Okay, what can I say about her. Well, there is only one thing I can say: she is the only girl I know that takes true love to a completely new level. Now, by this I mean her dedication to her boyfriend (Marshall Lester) and how strong she is against the criticism and back-fire along with some hatred she has received from people due to their love. But, Amanda is one of those girls that impresses me nonstop by her sheer respect, power, and love that it is, truly, inspirational.
Now, we started becoming friends when I first saw Amanda and, I will admit, I did have something of a mini crush on her. I started talking to her on Facebook and when I learned that her heart was already taken, I decided that I would start doing something that a few girls have done already: allow me to help them with whatever problems come along. With that, I ended up getting someone who, in essence, is like a complete sister to me.
As I said, all was good for my life. Until the arrival of Legion Uhhnonuhhmiss…
